I think I might be growing up...just a little.

My mom called me today and left a voicemail saying she has a favor to ask of me. I called her back and she asked if I could cover her Sunday school class. I was scared and overwhelmed at once.

I tried to switch to teach the younger kids but she told me Kathy was teaching them and couldn't teach the older ones because she has never done it before. Neither have I!

I was pretty abrupt with my mom and we hung up on a sour note. As I got to my Econ class I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation and felt bad about how it ended.

You see, normally I would ignore these feelings and go on my way.

When I sat down in class I sent her a text. I apologized for my behavior and explained why I didn't want to do it: I haven't taught in a long time and don't feel ready for it, I've never taught these older kids before, I don't have adequate time to prepare since I have an interview on Friday and I have to study for my final exams this weekend.

She replied thanking me for my apology, saying she understood and that we're fine.I hope this is a sign that I'm finally becoming aware of myself and how I respond to people.

What I didn't tell my mom was that the BIG reason I don't/won't do it is because I don't feel I'm spiritually adequate to be in a position of teaching the bible. My spiritual life has been dormant for quite some time and that is my fault. I never got connected to a church near school nor did I read the bible on my own. I'm JUST starting to get back into the swing of going to church regularly and studying the bible. I'm so far from where I was in my teen years.

At school I was constantly struggling: 1/2 of me wanted to stay a strong Christian and the other 1/2 wanted me to give up completely and just blend in to the college scene. I felt I could only relate to people if I acted the same way, used the same language and did the same things.

That got me nowhere. It just made me feel mad, frustrated and guilty. I neglected the bible study on campus because I felt so out of place. These girls were showing spiritual growth and they WANTED to be there, to reach out and witness to people on campus. I was terrified and like a coward I made up excuses not to go with them when they shared on campus. The main difference I saw in them as opposed to myself was that they liked taking leaps of faith. That is one thing I have always lacked: faith. I constantly worry and have yet to put my complete faith and trust in Christ and I'm ashamed.

Although I will be attending summer school near my house and hopefully have a job, I want to focus on reconnecting with Christ and starting from the foundation of my faith, upward.

The self-confidence I lack, I have yet to replace with Christ.